This month our blog comes from one of our supporters, Natasha Jacobs. Natasha took part in one of our esteem training sessions last year and also works in schools.
If you would like to wrote a blog for us do let us know- we’d love to hear from you!
Friendship. A potentially weighty word. Perhaps weightier for some than others.
What does friendship mean to you? What springs to mind when you think of the word friend?
Webster Dictionary defines friend as “a person who has a strong liking for and trust in another, a person who offers you support, improves your quality of life, promotes self-confidence and provides honesty and unconditional love”. It also defines friend as “a person who is not an enemy”! Other definitions are, “one being attached to another by affection or esteem” or “one that is not hostile”. There are many definitions of the word friend.
In acet UK we champion healthy relationships with young people. But I’d like to pose this question - if we adults are championing and supporting young people to have healthy relationships, but are not ourselves enjoying and, therefore, modelling this, could this be hypocritical? If our young people are lovable and worthy of healthy relationships, and positive, good friendships, does that not mean we are too?
I say yes, we are! If little people matter, then surely big people do too! To promote a message to our young ones and not be living it or enjoying it ourselves, could mean something is not quite aligning. It is said that people catch what we are, more than what we say! The bible itself speaks of little children imitating a parent (Ephesians 5:1 AMP). This is not a judgement or to cause any adult distress. It’s just to say that you matter too and you too deserve to have healthy, loving relationships.
There are stages to developing relationships. The first part can be easy. It can be easy to attract people and even easy to build rapport, but it’s harder to build and to continue to build and maintain healthy, positive and intimate relationships - and that includes friendships.
Friendships mean different things to different people. For some people friends can equal family. For others, friends can mean someone to go out with and let their hair down with once in a while. A friend can mean someone to call up and talk to, pouring out our innermost thoughts and feelings. For some, friendship is a far weightier word than for others due to their own lack of family connection.
What feelings are brought up when you think of the word friend or friendship? Sadness? Have you lost a good friend either through death or illness or an argument that was never reconciled? Have you lost a friend due to addiction; your friend being so absorbed in addiction they have not been able to be present for you, either physically or emotionally. How about joy? When you think of the friends you trust and can laugh with, does it bring you feelings of joy and happiness? Or is it guilt? Do you question whether or not you are a good friend?
Whatever the feeling, whatever the thought– I want you to know – it's ok. I mean it feels awful when people leave or die. It’s incredibly painful, but it IS ok to feel the feeling. It’s not ok that people we love are powerless in addiction and cannot be there for themselves, let alone us. This too can be incredibly painful. It can hurt to have had arguments with friends that we have not been able to reconcile. But your feelings, whatever they are, they are ok. Whatever you are feeling, whatever feelings the words “friend” and “friendship” evoke – it’s ok. Feel them, they are valid and there is no guilt or shame in that.
We are all human beings, doing our best to do this life as best we can with all the challenges that it brings. Sometimes it can feel so challenging just to make time for the people we would actually love to spend time with! So please don't shame or judge yourself. Even with all the technological connection we have at our fingertips these days, the demands and pressures of life seem to have made it harder not easier to maintain and nurture friendships. You are not alone and there is no judgement.
Sometimes the right friendships, the ones where we feel safe to be ourselves, to explore new ideas and behaviours and to share our deepest feelings and thoughts – sometimes these friendships can be the ideal places where we can practice new behaviours. For example, the behaviour of setting boundaries. For some people it may feel terrifying or excruciating to just speak up, to say what they feel or to say “No”! (That’s a big one right!). Being able to practice these new healthier behaviours within safe and loving friendships can be so helpful. It can also be helpful if a person is considering going into a romantic relationship but feeling scared as to how they will act and be. You don't have to wait until you get into a romantic relationship, you can start practicing new and healthy behaviours now, with people who already love you and celebrate you evolving and being you. One of the things I have greatly valued in friendships is being celebrated for being me – no matter how rough around the edges that has been!
Some time ago I was having lunch with a friend and she said something to me and about me that I didn’t like. I told her, which was a new behaviour for me and it took me great courage. Do you know what her response was? of course you don’t, but let me tell you. Her response was, “ I'm so pleased you told me that! You are speaking up and saying how you feel!” There was no judgement, no condemnation, no berating of me, only love and celebration. She knew the background I had come from and what it would have taken for me to speak up and she celebrated my growth and recovery and my voice – what a beautiful soul and a treasured friend.
Sometimes friendships can be hard. Having the uncomfortable or more difficult conversations, like I did with my friend can be challenging. But, if they are the right friendships, it is worth it for the intimacy it breeds and it’s worth it because the friendships are worth it! Any relationship we are in will require more challenging communication at times. It can’t all be running through fields of daisy’s singing The Sound of Music! How do we know a “right” relationship? The more we heal, the more we evolve and the more honest we are with ourselves and others, the more what’s right for us will stick and what’s not right will fall away - and that includes relationships and, therefore, friendships.
What happens when you don't feel you're a good friend to someone or you must walk away? That can happen in friendships too. Sometimes it's the loving thing to do for both. Sometimes it's time to move on and grow and we are being held back in a situation or relationship. As sad and as challenging as that is and with the feeling of guilt and even shame, it may evoke, this can happen too.
Our young people deserve to have great relationships and that includes great friendships. My guess is that if you are here, you have a love, or at least a fondness or a keen desire to see young people thrive. Healthy relationships are a part of thriving. But guess what? You deserve that too. And guess what? Children and young people imitate what we do! So perhaps it's time to reflect on our own friendships. Who are the people I laugh with? Who are the people I can trust with my inner most thoughts and feelings? Who are the ones who will help me out practically when I need it? Not everyone can be all things, but perhaps different people can be different things.
And if you are left thinking ‘I don't know if I have any friends like that’. Or ‘I don't feel confident I'm a good friend’. If you are thinking, ‘I was bullied or have been back stabbed and I don't trust people’, please don’t be alone with that thought. Whether it is a therapist or a person that you would be willing to take the risk and trust to speak to, whether it is picking up the phone to a helpline or getting on your knees in prayer (one of my personal favourites – even if it’s not always the knees part!) – please speak to someone. You deserve that. You are absolutely worth that. We are all a work in progress and things change all the time – just look at the seasons! Surely the changing seasons are a loud message telling us that we ourselves and our situations and friendships can change too!
Much Love x